Without even thinking about it, I had signed up for a loan, a home loan at that and had moved into what is to me the best home on the planet.
Feels good, definitely, yes. The resettling of things, re-allotment of spaces, my corner, your corner, the book land , the production unit and what not! The teenager at home, one who cares for you and is grateful for what you do is a blessing though! The tasks seem lighter than they are. The sense of small, yet significant achievement touches the core of your heart and which mother would not move worlds for her kid!
Good times, yes, definitely. While negotiating with the agent for a 1000 Rs less, he laughed almost sarcastically, you would end up paying more than double of what you got from the bank mam, why are you grudging me my share?! So, here it is, you take it. I give in tears in my eyes. Then the gentleman whose beautiful home, I had stayed in as a tenant thought little of losing an opportunity to make some moolah of the mess. You got to pay me the rent of a month as you did not inform me one month in advance. Oh! but I quit my job with a notice of less than a month. That doesn’t cut ice with him. There goes another lump-some, leaving a huge lump of pain in my throat. The way to your own home is definitely loaded with surprises.
6 years ago, working as a school teacher and holding the roof almost by myself, I had not thought of ever being able to think of owning a home. Nor did I feel the need. But some things happen because of others, mom, dad, daughter, their belief in me, gives me belief in myself and I plunge ahead.
Like the little daily battles I have been waging to keep my head above the waters, to keep it all floating, I knew this too will pass. What you start off, will definitely come to an end, pleasant or unpleasant. Then surprising me the owner off the house, comes forward, mam, here you take this amount. Pay me later! Who does that to a stranger? I am beyond shocking now.
Life looks like adventures stringed together to test the mettle, to make you tougher, sharper, stronger. Once you move ahead, there is no looking back you hardly get a chance to. At one point, my daily bread threatened to disappear, and as if by magic another bread basket arrived at my work table, can you do this? Yes, why not? I will, I love nothing more than teaching. To teach in a college has been a life long ambition. Well, I might just do my doctorate even, how cool is that?
As I sit down with myself with a cup of coffee, unkempt, tired, I realize the huge responsibility on my shoulders and my stupidity or intelligence in taking the decisions I have taken in search of an abode in a transient world. But like every other time, I chose to step out of my comfort zone and explore, life amazes me with her benevolence, opening doors unseen, manifesting angels unknown, in general, making the journey worth the trouble.
Sitting down with myself today
after days of thoughtless toil
of unending creases on the forehead
of sleeplessness and fear,naked, gripping, crippling
of kind words from unexpected quarters
of a message or a thought from nowhere
yielding solace , bolstering blind optimism
the tired yet bright smile of small victories
of endless sharing of energies
of escape from what is not yours anyways
of entering new areas of knowledge, challenges and growth
of keeping calm in turmoil and of the many delights of living.
of doing what you can in any given situation
of the karmic scale of balances that tilt
of being who you are,even when you are not yourself
of supposed indignation, arrogance and over-ambition
of staying alive as long as you live.